++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week beginning January 24
Copyright 2008 by Rob Brezsny
http://FreeWillAstrology.com
Grammar key: Asterisks equal *italics*


AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You're entering an astrological phase when
it makes sense to expand and dramatize your ego. In light of the poetic
license that affords you, I'd like to introduce you to the concept of
enlightened bragging. It will allow you to tout your own brilliance at the
same time that you disarm anyone who might be tempted to sneer at you
for doing so. The playfully self-mocking tone of your enlightened bragging
will give you an opportunity to demonstrate your high opinion of yourself
without feeling guilty or defensive. Here's all you need to do to get
started: Make yourself a t-shirt or bumper sticker that reads, "I am a
Jenius."

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Every now and then when the garbage I
generate in a week's time exceeds what one trashcan is able to hold, I
have to make a special phone call to the office of the refuse and recycling
service to request that they pick up an extra can. If I'm reading your
astrological omens correctly, this is one of those times for you, at least
from a metaphorical perspective: You need to get rid of more than your
usual amount of useless junk and residual wastes -- much more, probably,
including a backlog of stuff you may not have even realized was garbage
until now.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): "Write it on your heart that every day is the
best day in the year," said essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson. That's my first
suggestion for you this week, Aries. Now, while you're at the energetic
peak of your astrological cycle, is a good time to cultivate a knack for
identifying the specific gift that each day has to offer you. You will also
resonate well with the cosmic rhythms if you make use of another
Emersonian gem: "Every great and commanding moment in the annals of
the world is the triumph of some enthusiasm." Where does your purest
enthusiasm lie? And how will you use it to fuel your ascent to a series of
great and commanding moments?

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): "In the human heart new passions are forever
being born," said French writer Francois de La Rochefoucauld. "The
overthrow of one almost always means the rise of another." I suppose
that's true. We all have longings that come and go as we evolve. But I'd
also like to propose an equally valid and contradictory truth: In every
human heart there are a few passions that last a lifetime. They're with us
from the moment we're born, and nothing can dilute their intensity. Our
destiny revolves around them. These are the passions I hope you will
define with precision and nurture with alacrity during the next eight
weeks.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

EXPLORING YOUR LONG-RANGE FUTURE

Would you like some inspiration as you muse and wonder about your
upcoming adventures in 2008?

You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny
in 2008. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long.

Go to http://RealAstrology.com
for these EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES

A new short-range forecast for this week is also available, both on the
Web and at 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


GEMINI (May 21-June 20): If you have trouble resisting the urge to stay
current with news about famous actresses, you may have a mental illness.
A team of psychologists has certified "Celebrity Worship Syndrome" as an
actual psychiatric condition. Now please listen to me closely: It is
imperative that you stifle this malady during the next 25 days, even if you
have a mild case of it. Your fantasy life needs to soar into unknown
frontiers where more of the details of your own personal talents will be
revealed, and you can't afford to be weighed down with fantasies about
rich and charismatic people you don't know.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): "Dear Brother Rob: We wanted you to know
that our exceedingly sweet, holy, and pious dog, Magdalene, told us
tonight that she feels you are a direct descendant of Melchior, one of
those famous Bethlehem astrologers/magi mentioned as bringing gifts to
the baby Jesus way back when! That's so cool! Raucous peace to you! -
Gabriel and Deana." Dear Gabriel and Deana: I'm honored! Give my thanks
to Magdalene. Does she have any messages for my Cancerian readers?
I've been having visions that they will soon be getting gifts from the past
and revelations about their heritage and updates concerning their
birthrights.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): We all tend to project onto other people the
unattractive aspects of ourselves that we refuse to acknowledge. We're
also drawn to anyone who expresses the fully activated versions of our
own sleeping potentials. Everywhere we go, then, our vision is clouded by
the disowned psychic material that is floating around our unconscious
minds. That's the bad news, Leo. The good news is that in the next eight
weeks you will have an enhanced ability to get access to the liabilities and
powers that are buried beneath the surface of your awareness. As a
result, your ability to see the objective truth about the world around you
should grow dramatically.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): "The ermine is so fastidious that he will allow
himself to be caught by hunters before he will take refuge in a muddy
spot," wrote Leonardo da Vinci in his *Bestiary.* The legendary behavior
of this small mammal has a resemblance to certain Virgos. Let's hope
you're not one of them. To avoid getting trapped in the coming days, you
will have to be willing, even eager, to get dirty. Here's your motto: The
miracle is in the mess.



++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

LET'S IMAGINE WHAT BEAUTIFUL MYSTERIES
MIGHT COME YOUR WAY IN 2008

What hidden factors will be massaging your destiny in 2008? Could you
use some hints about how to prepare for the adventures awaiting you in
the next 12 months?

You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny
in 2008. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long.

Go to http://RealAstrology.com
for these EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES

A new short-range forecast for this week is also available, both on the
Web and at 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A friend recently said to me, "You really try
hard to avoid conflict, don't you?" That surprised me. In my own
perception of myself, I'm pretty combative, at least in the privacy of my
own imagination. The injustice and suffering I see in the world make me
mad, and I'm constantly plotting to overthrow the ignorant forces that
are at the root of that bad stuff. It's true that I almost never express
naked hostility or engage in outright combat with anyone. But that's
because I think that the best way for me to fight the ugliness is to whip
up lavish doses of beauty and truth and love. Sorry to be talking about
myself so much, Libra, but it's in a good cause: I urge you to be like me in
the coming week.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I don't usually recommend that you text-
message a cohort who's sitting a few feet away from you in a meeting, or
use your cell phone to call the cell phone of the person you're lying next
to in bed. But this would be a good week to do things like that. It's an
excellent time, you see, to experiment with how you communicate, to try
alternate methods of conversing, to awaken unfamiliar responses as you
engage with familiar people. You might want to write a letter in longhand
to a comrade you see all the time, or sit down at a table together and
exchange messages by drawing pictures rather than talking.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In my astrological opinion, you should
adopt a miscellaneous and serendipitous receptivity in the coming week;
you should be extra responsive to the primal flux as its odd luck whisks
you through in-between zones and fascinating grey areas. And yet I also
think you should be profoundly picky about which of the thousand and
one stimuli you allow to grab your full attention. In other words, make
your mind wide open and allow it to wander freely, but give your favors to
only the most piquant twists and tasty bits.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): To advertise its upgraded features, the
search engine Ask3D.com rolled out a marketing campaign with a
seductive catchphrase: "Instant Getification," as in immediately acquiring
your desired results. I'm borrowing that mantra, or at least half of it, for
your horoscope. Your getification levels will be way up in the coming
weeks. That doesn't mean you will instantaneously and automatically
obtain everything you crave without any effort. Rather, it suggests that
you will have an enhanced power to summon the will and ingenuity and
resourcefulness that will help you get what you want.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

HOMEWORK: For three days, act as if you have far more resources and
help than you ever thought possible. Report results by going to
http://FreeWillAstrology.com and clicking on "Email Rob."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week beginning January 31
Copyright 2008 by Rob Brezsny
http://FreeWillAstrology.com
Grammar key: Asterisks equal *italics*


AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You're reading a horoscope column that's
designed not only for the benefit of true believers, but also for people
who don't necessarily buy into the validity of astrology. If you're one of
those who enjoys my writing even though you're skeptical of my
attempts to divine oracles from the planetary positions, I thank you for
being willing to find value in an approach that your rational mind may
regard as questionable. And I thank you for evaluating the information I
present here on the basis of its usefulness rather than on where it
originates. By the way, Aquarius, the attitudes I just described will serve
you in good stead in your dealings with the whole world during the coming
week.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Neither God nor the gods are dead, but
they've virtually disappeared because so few people are capable of
carrying on authentic relationships with them anymore. The materialist
delusion rules our world: Millions believe that nothing's real unless it can
be perceived by the five senses. Churches and temples are full of ethical
people, but most of them have no clue about how to know or feel or
converse with the divine presences. So what can the deities do, having
been banished from our midst? Psychologist Carl Jung said the gods have
no recourse but to worm their way into our lives as sickness and
pathology. And that's how you may encounter them in the coming days,
Pisces. But get this: As soon as you see through their distorted disguises
and recognize them for what they really are, they can be themselves
again, whereupon they will bestow the exact blessings you need in order
to become a smarter version of yourself.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): *The Onion* newspaper reported on a South
Carolina man who was so grateful for what God had done in the previous
week that he put an extra $5 in the collection plate at church on Sunday.
Brad Thaden was especially pleased with the nice weather and how well
his kids had behaved. I expect that by February 18, Aries, you too might
feel the urge to give Supreme Being a tip, or do whatever the equivalent
might be in your world. Among the extra perks you could be blessed with:
a deeper connection with a resource you've wanted to be closer to; the
heating up of a promising alliance; a social upgrade that will make you feel
more at home in the world; and a vision of where to go next with your
ambitions.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): If you are a member of the Isoko people in
Nigeria, you have three intimate spirit guides. Omo is your guardian angel.
Obo, or "right hand," is the ally who helps you get things done. Ivri is a
tough, gutsy, and sometimes combative character that pushes you to
take a stand and fight for your rights. As an exercise, Taurus, I urge you
to imagine that you have these three accomplices working on your behalf
in the coming weeks. It's high time for you to forcefully lay claim to all of
the vigorous assistance and collaboration that you deserve. While you're
at it, ask a few actual humans to deliver their special favors to aid your
cause, too.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

EXPLORING YOUR LONG-RANGE FUTURE

Would you like some inspiration as you muse and wonder about your
upcoming adventures in 2008?

You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny
in 2008. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long.

Go to http://RealAstrology.com
for these EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES

A new short-range forecast for this week is also available, both on the
Web and at 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): HappyWomanMagazine.com sought out several
supermodels for advice about spirituality. "Buddhists have the best
religion," said 6'1", 102-pound Ilize Bergeron. "They don't believe in
heaven or hell or God, and they don't pray. Plus, Buddhism is so
mysterious that you could probably fool your boss into giving you lots of
random days off work for religious holidays. One more thing: It's the
trendiest religion out there right now." In light of your current astrological
omens, Gemini, you might want to draw inspiration from Ilize's
perspective. In the coming weeks, you need to feed your spiritual side,
but in ways that are fun, light-hearted, uncomplicated, guilt-free, and
unburdened by concerns about reward and punishment.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): "Thunder is good, thunder is impressive,"
wrote Mark Twain. "But it is the lightning that does the work." According
to my analysis of the omens, Cancerian, your job right now is to be like
the lightning, even if other people's thunder is temporarily hogging the
credit and the attention. It may take a while, but your bolts of pure
energy, not their noisy hype, will ultimately be appreciated as the most
important factor in the group success.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Daniel Tammet is a savant who can quickly
perform complex mathematical calculations in his head. Every number up
to 10,000 has a special shape and feel for him. He experiences 37 as a
lumpy, warm goo, while 89 invokes visions of snow falling. Although I
don't normally have this relationship with numbers, I did get a vivid
psychic vision of 77 while meditating on your current astrological omens.
It appeared to me as a scene of two people bobbing and tumbling while
wearing scuba gear and trying to make love underwater in a heated
swimming pool. Assuming this is an oracle, what does it signify
symbolically? Maybe it's time for you to seek a new kind of union in the
depths. Or perhaps you should get more playful in your approach to sex.
It might also mean you should enjoy playing with deep emotions.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): After studying your challenging astrological
aspects, I decided to do a mid-winter ritual in your behalf. Waking at
dawn, I took a frigid hour-long bike ride to the top of Mt. Tamalpais. As I
ascended, I murmured a prayer: "I give the energy of this cold, hard labor
to Virgos. May it inspire them to meet their own tasks with exuberant
stamina." When I began the ride, I was miserably uncomfortable. Within
ten minutes, I had broken a sweat and was thoroughly warm. Soon the
endorphins kicked in, and the climb to the top was blissful. That's the
progression I wish for you.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

LET'S IMAGINE WHAT BEAUTIFUL MYSTERIES
MIGHT COME YOUR WAY IN 2008

What hidden factors will be massaging your destiny in 2008? Could you
use some hints about how to prepare for the adventures awaiting you in
the next 12 months?

You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny
in 2008. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long.

Go to http://RealAstrology.com
for these EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES

A new short-range forecast for this week is also available, both on the
Web and at 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The planet's biggest annual orgy of pollination
is about to take place. A million beehives from all over America and
Australia are on trucks headed to a 600,000-acre patch of almond
orchards in California's Central Valley. For the next three weeks or so, 40
billion bees will be in service to almond flowers as they facilitate the
mixing of male and female reproductive materials. This scene could rightly
serve as your metaphor of the week, Libra. You, too, are primed for a
tremendous pollination event -- a time of intense mingling in service to
fertility.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): One goal of meditation is to empty the mind
of its obsessively generated thoughts, rationalizations, and images. Alas,
much of the media functions as a reverse meditation machine. Not only
does it stir up your own mental clatter, it also floods you with the
seething surge of other people's private pandemoniums. Furthermore, it
delivers this rattling racket with entertaining words and brilliant color and
crystalline sound, driving it as deeply into your psyche as your own
flotsam. Keep this in mind throughout February, which is Clean Out Your
Brain Month. Cut way back on your media intake. Snack lightly rather than
gorging continually.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): "There are two things to aim at in life,"
wrote essayist Logan Pearsall Smith. "First to get what you want, and
after that to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second." As
you have probably already guessed, Sagittarius, one of your main
challenges in 2008 is to be one of the wise who accomplishes that second
thing. And you're about to experience a major turning point in your ability
to pull it off.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): "Personally, I would sooner have written
*Alice in Wonderland* than the whole Encyclopedia Britannica," said
Capricorn writer Stephen B. Leacock. I encourage you to adopt a similar
attitude in the coming weeks. Unleashing your heated creativity will be
more important to your success than gathering the cool facts. Being an
irrepressible devotee of the wild mind will be more practical than marching
in lock step to logical necessity.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week beginning February 14
Copyright 2008 by Rob Brezsny
http://FreeWillAstrology.com
Grammar key: Asterisks equal *italics*


AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Happy Valentine Daze, Aquarius! Want to
make your love life better? Then purify your motivations for seeking love.
For at least three weeks, be impossibly honest and noble and righteous in
your dealings with intimate allies. You might even consider approaching
romance with the same reverence a monk summons in his spiritual quest
for divine communion. Fast, pray, meditate, dance holy dances, wander
into the wilderness and cry out for a vision -- all in the name of deepening
your capacity for the transformative power of human relationships.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Happy Valentine Daze, Pisces! Here are the
words of wisdom I think will be most useful as you shape the future of
collaboration and togetherness. They come to you courtesy of writer
Marnie Reed Crowell. "To keep a fire burning brightly," she says, "Keep
the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far
enough apart -- about a finger's breadth -- for breathing room. Good fire,
good marriage, same rule." Even if you're not married and don't plan to
be anytime soon, this is an excellent guideline for any intimate connection
you want to see thrive in 2008. Cultivate spacious closeness.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Happy Valentine Daze, Aries! After meditating
about what advice would be most useful for your love life during the rest
of 2008, I decided on this observation from 17th-century philosopher Sir
Francis Bacon: "There is no excellent beauty that hath not some
strangeness in the proportion." In other words, you should raise your
appreciation for interesting idiosyncrasies and cute "flaws" and odd
proportions. They are not inconvenient imperfections that mar the beauty
you need in your life. They are the very essence of it.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Happy Valentine Daze, Taurus! After
extensive meditation about what advice would be most useful for your
love life in the coming months, I decided on this observation from the
Dutch priest and writer Henri Nouwen: "Your body needs to be held and
to hold, to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be
despised, denied, or repressed. But you have to keep searching for your
body's deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time you are able to
go beyond the body's superficial desires for love, you are bringing your
body home and moving toward integration and unity."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

EXPLORING YOUR LONG-RANGE FUTURE

Would you like some inspiration as you muse and wonder about your
upcoming adventures in 2008?

You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny
in 2008. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long.

Go to http://RealAstrology.com
for these EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES

A new short-range forecast for this week is also available, both on the
Web and at 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Happy Valentine Daze, Gemini! During my
search for the spark that would be most likely to energize your love life, I
found this dose of truth from novelist Tom Robbins: "We waste time
looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love." I hope
that quote inspires you to shed any tendency you might have to wait for
the ideal romantic situation to find its way to you. Instead, establish a
habit of visualizing in precise detail the kind of love you want to give and
receive. Then work on patiently materializing it.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Here's my Valentine message for you,
Cancerian: The sea inside of you is not just at high tide, it's at the highest
tide possible -- like what happens when the moon is full at the same time
that it's at its closest approach to Earth. To intensify the drama, the sea
inside of you is stormy, with torrential rains pouring down from the
heaven inside of you as winds bluster and lightning cracks. There are even
water spouts rising up now and then. Yet from my perspective, it's all
gorgeous and majestic, a marvelous spectacle worthy of celebration. And
since I'm confident no harm will come to you during this elemental
interlude, I advise you to just enjoy the ride.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Scholar Suzanne Juhasz says that Emily
Dickinson's eroticism "inflects and charges" most of her poems. "Erotic
desire -- sensuous, nuanced, flagrant, extreme, outlandish, and profound -
- is her way of interacting with the world." From an astrological
perspective, it would make perfect sense if you experimented with a
similar predilection in the coming days, Leo. During the superheated grace
period you'll be enjoying, interesting things are likely to happen if you
basically make love to the whole world. The urge to merge shouldn't just
be the icing on the cake. It should be the icing, the cake, the plate it's on,
your eating of the cake, your feeding of the cake to others, and all the
stories you tell about your encounter with the cake. Happy Valentine
Daze, Leo!

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): "The Eskimos had 52 names for snow because
it was important to them," wrote novelist Margaret Atwood. "There ought
to be as many for love." Your assignment, should you choose to accept it,
is to coin at least nine of those 52 new names between now and January
1, 2009. Of course that means you will have to discover or create nine
alternate states of love that have previously been unnamed. And to do
that, you'll have to put aside your habitual expectations and standard
definitions of what constitutes love so that you can explore an amazing
array of nuances, including varieties you never imagined existed. Start
now, Virgo. Happy Valentine's Daze!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

LET'S IMAGINE WHAT BEAUTIFUL MYSTERIES
MIGHT COME YOUR WAY IN 2008

What hidden factors will be massaging your destiny in 2008? Could you
use some hints about how to prepare for the adventures awaiting you in
the next 12 months?

You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny
in 2008. Each report in the three-part series is about 6-8 minutes long.

Go to http://RealAstrology.com
for these EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES

A new short-range forecast for this week is also available, both on the
Web and at 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Happy Valentine Daze, Libra! After strenuous
meditation about what advice would be most likely to energize your love
life, I decided on this edgy wisdom from writer Charles Caleb Colton: "If
you cannot inspire a woman with love of you, fill her above the brim with
love of herself; all that runs over will be yours." (Substitute "man" for
"woman" and "him" for "her" if that makes the message work best for
you.)

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Happy Valentine Daze, Scorpio! After
extensive meditation about what advice would be most useful for your
love life in the coming months, I decided on this gentle rant from the
South African poet Shabbir Banoobhai: "Love is a mystery. And the
reason why it is a mystery and should remain a mystery is that knowledge
of it would give us mastery over it -- would enable us to manipulate it --
and love, truth, God, cannot be manipulated. Hence the Prophet
exclaimed, 'My Lord, increase my bewilderment in Thee.'"

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): After meditating on how to energize
your love life this Valentine season, I decided to encourage you to bring
the spirits of sampling and the mash-up into your relationship life.
Sampling is what happens when a musician openly lifts a riff out of an
existing song and inserts it into his or her own composition. In a mash-up,
a producer takes parts from two different songs to assemble a new song
that has elements of both originals but is an entirely new creation. I
encourage you to apply these approaches to your collaborations with
intimate allies. For example, "sample" a close friend's favorite
catchphrases or clothes, and use them as your own. Or tell that person a
story from his or her own past, but recount it as if it happened to you.
The two of you could also write a journal entry together, taking turns
spinning out each new line. You might even switch roles for a day, trying
out what it actually feels like to be the other person.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Happy Valentine Daze, Capricorn! The
astrological omens suggest that you should liberate your wild heart from
its hiding place, maybe even experiment with extravagant expressions of
love. To get yourself worked up into a proper state of fertile agitation,
read aloud from Pablo Neruda's book *100 Love Sonnets* (translated by
Stephen Tapscott), starting with "Love Sonnet XI": "I crave your mouth,
your voice, your hair. Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day_I hunt for the liquid
measure of your steps . . . [I] hunger for the pale stones of your
fingernails,_I want to eat your skin like a whole almond . . . I want to eat
the fleeting shade of your lashes. And I pace around hungry, sniffing the
twilight, hunting for you, for your hot heart, like a puma in the barrens . . .
."


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I vant to be in laaff!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week beginning April 17
Copyright 2008 by Rob Brezsny
http://FreeWillAstrology.com
Grammar key: Asterisks equal *italics*

ARIES (March 21-April 19): A reader from Fiji is encouraging me to pay a
visit. "Fiji is heaven on earth," she says. "You'll be ecstatic here." While I
have no doubt that's true, it's hard for me to imagine being any more
ecstatic than I am when I travel to Hawaii. It, too, has resemblances to
paradise. And the plane flight there takes five hours less and is $600
cheaper than the jaunt to Fiji. Do I really need a more heavenly heaven on
earth than, say, Waimoku Falls Trail in Maui? I expect you're facing a
metaphorically similar situation, Aries. The question you may want to ask
yourself is this: Should you pine and aim for a state beyond perfection, or
will mere perfection serve you just as well?

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): *The Washington Post* solicited ideas from
readers about innovative strategies for wasting time. I'll offer you a few in
the hope that they'll inspire you to take a major break from the Big
Pressing Issues you're obsessed with. It's high time, in my opinion, to give
yourself an enormous amount of slack . . . to forgive yourself for not
being perfect . . . to dissolve any guilt you feel for not having
accomplished all your life goals yet. In that spirit, consider the following
time-wasters: (1) Send letters to the editor about grammatical mistakes
in the classified ads. (2) Make yourself the world's top expert on a person
randomly chosen from the phone book. (3) Keep a logbook in your
bathroom to verify that the toilet bowl cleaner really does work for 1,000
flushes. (4) Set the Guinness record for time spent reading the *Guinness
Book of Records.*

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): In her book *Dr. Tatiana's Sex Advice to All
Creation,* biologist Olivia Judson extols the male members of the fruitfly
species Drosophila bifurca. Although they are barely one-eighth of an inch
long, their sperm can be up to 2.3 inches long. If a man were capable of
the same prodigious production, his sperm would be as big as a whale.
Metaphorically speaking, you Geminis now have the ability to generate
phenomena on this scale. That's why I hope you will devote all your
ingenuity and resourcefulness to creating an intricate, beautiful
masterpiece, not a humongous, complicated mass of confusion.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Lewis Thomas was a physician who wrote
elegantly about biology in books like *The Lives of a Cell.* I want to bring
your attention to his meditation on warts. "Nothing in the body has so
much the look of toughness and permanence as a wart," he wrote. And
yet "they can be made to go away by something that can only be called
thinking . . . Warts can be ordered off the skin by hypnotic suggestion."
(tinyurl.com/3clzc5) Thomas regarded this phenomenon as "absolutely
astonishing, more of a surprise than cloning or recombinant DNA."
According to my astrological reckoning, Cancerian, you currently have a
comparable marvel at your disposal. Using the power of your mind, you
can shrink, dissolve, or banish a wart-like vexation.



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EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES

In addition to the horoscopes that come to you in this newsletter, I create
audio horoscopes for your inspiration. They discuss themes and cover
material that I don't have room to deal with in the written horoscopes.

They're $6 if you access them on the Web, or $1.99 per minute over the
phone.

Try them at http://RealAstrology.com.

By phone: 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700.

"I always feel like I know myself better after listening to your audio
'scopes."
-June R., Austin, TX

"Your audio horoscopes calm me down when I'm too manic and pep me up
when I'm down."
-Arthur T., Cleveland, OH


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LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): This would be a perfect time for you to write your
ultimate personal manifesto. I'm talking about composing a sweeping
statement of the core ideas that fuel your lust for life. To get you in the
mood, take a look at the following lyrics from Danny Schmidt's song
"Company of Friends." "I believe in restless hunger . . . I believe in private
thunder . . . I believe in inspiration . . . I believe in slow creation . . . I
believe in lips on ears . . . I believe in being wrong . . . I believe in
contradiction . . . I believe in living smitten . . . I believe our book is
written by our company of friends."

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): "The Japanese believe that crying babies grow
fast," wrote John Flinn in the *San Francisco Chronicle,* "and that the
louder an infant wails, the more the gods have blessed it." The
astrological omens suggest that a similar principle will soon hold true for
you: The more you sob and blubber, the smarter you'll get. The louder
you howl and moan, the more likely you'll be to attract benevolent
influences and unexpected help.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): In order for some plants to thrive in the
tropical forests of South America, they need bats to eat their fruits and
poop out their seeds while flying around. Biologists call the bat excrement
by a more lyrical name: seed rain. It's not too much of a stretch to invoke
this relationship as an apt metaphor for your life right now, Libra. Like the
bat-dependent plants, you now require the help of fertility agents whose
work may be a bit messy.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): It's the Week of the Fabulous Smirk. Not the
Week of the Arrogant Smirk or the Vengeful Smirk or the Hateful, Whiny,
Passive-Aggressive Smirk. Rather, the Smirk that Passeth All
Understanding. The Wise, Charitable, Forbearing Smirk. The Uber-Smirk
that says, "I've figured out what everyone's hiding, and I love them
anyway." You are ready, Scorpio, to explore the Divine Smirk that arises
naturally when you have outwitted an obstacle that was obscuring the
truth from you; when you have finally seen through the delusion you were
under and guessed the secret you weren't smart enough to see before.


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AUDIO HOROSCOPES

In addition to the horoscopes that you're reading here, I create audio
horoscopes for your amusement and inspiration. Find out more at
http://RealAstrology.com.

The audio horoscopes are also available by phone at 1-877-873-4888 or
1-900-950-7700.


"Your audio horoscopes work better than my therapist and cost me five
percent of what he charges." - Chris M., San Francisco, CO

"You've helped me remember important things about myself that I'd
forgotten." -Ruth V., Toronto




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SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): This would be a good week for you to
compete in a flamethrower competition. You'd probably win. Why?
Because according to my analysis of the astrological omens, you currently
have an unprecedented knack for playing with fire. You would most likely
also be victorious in a marshmallow-roasting contest or a jump-over-the-
bonfire tournament. And you would probably do surprisingly well in any
activity that might be described as "sitting in the hot seat."

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): "The great theme is not Romeo and
Juliet," said poet Anne Sexton. "The great theme we all share is that of
becoming ourselves, of overcoming our father and mother, of assuming
our identities somehow." This is certainly your great theme, Capricorn.
And it's especially important for you to devote yourself to it now. You're
at a turning point in your life-long transformation. You're being presented
with a clear-cut choice between sinking back into the ill-fitting yet
comfortable mold that others have shaped for you, or else striding out
into the frontier in a brave push to become a higher, deeper, more
complete version of yourself.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): "We only hear questions that we are able to
answer," said Friedrich Nietzsche. Luckily for you, Aquarius, there are two
big, long-simmering questions for which you have recently begun to sniff
out the answers. That means you're now able, at least potentially, to hear
those questions. I have three pieces of advice to help ensure that you
actually hear them. First, wash your brain out so it's got more free space
in it. Second, give your listening skills a tune-up. Third, meditate on Edgar
Allen Poe's idea that "Those who dream by day know many things which
escape those who dream only by night."

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Back in 1995, I began seeing a
psychotherapist whose influence ultimately improved me in a thousand
ways. At the end of our first session, she handed me a note as I left. It
read: "If you don't articulate your conscious desires, your unconscious
patterns will come true." She gazed at me firmly and said, "Don't come
back until you've proved to yourself that those words are true. All my
work will be of no use to you unless you take them to heart." It took me
exactly 23 days to prove to myself that what she'd written was true. Now
I offer you the same challenge, Pisces. Spend the upcoming week in
intense contemplation on the hypothesis, "If you don't articulate your
conscious desires, your unconscious patterns will come true."

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